Chance of a Lifetime: Or why I should be President
I know what many of you are thinking: Do I really have to pick between McCain, Huckabee, Clinton and Obama? The answer is a resounding NO! You could vote for me. Why would anyone vote for me? Because I’m about to make the Greatest Campaign Promise of ALL TIME!
Now, before I tell you what it is, let me say that the other campaigns will try to offer a weak alternative shortly after this announcement. They will even give you lots of silly reasons for why my plan won’t work. Don’t believe them. I’m not overstating the facts when I say this is pure brilliance and none of the candidates on either side of the aisle have EVER thought of it.
So, without further ado, here is the promise:
I will balance the Federal Budget within 1 year and eliminate the National Debt within 4 years! That’s right. This November, write my name on your ballot and I will get this country out of debt.
How? Simple: I’m going to tap into the deepest urge in all men (and some women) and turn it into the single greatest fund raiser of all time. Of course, I’m talking about the urge to blow stuff up. (You thought I was going to say sex, didn’t you?) Men like to blow stuff up. I even know women who like to blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up has been a substantial part of the movie industry for decades. Blowing stuff up is part of our annual 4th of July tradition. Blowing stuff up is still scientifically proven to be a significant reason men will stop on the History Channel or TLC when flipping channels.
But no marketer/fund raiser has EVER figured out how to truly monetize man’s need to blow stuff up. Until now. Let me walk you through this. Next week, the U.S. Military is going to shoot down an aging spy satellite that contains toxic fuel. They plan to fire a missile from a Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean. Suffice it to say, our administration just doesn’t get it.
When I take office, we will immediately institute a National Blowing Stuff Up Lottery. For $100, you can enter for a chance to be the person who gets to fly to the middle of the Pacific, board a Navy ship, aim, and fire at future falling satellites. Heck, for $1000, I’ll let you shoot at satellites that aren’t falling! Trust me, there are millions of PS3 and Xbox addicts who would sell blood and semen for a year to be able to shoot down a satellites. There are hunters who are sick of shooting at Bambi who would kill to take down Moonraker. There are women on the back side of divorce who would love to see ANYTHING in the general shape of a satellite be blown into millions of flaming pieces.
Folks, this is a sure fire way to raise LOTS of money fast. And the lottery is just the begining. I plan to start a Blowing Stuff Reality show where people compete for the opportunity to blow up abandoned buildings, crack houses, and the tour buses of aging rock stars. If that takes off, we will spin off the show with modern uses for medieval weapons. I call it American Trebuchet!
My fellow Americans, you have a choice before you. Will Obama let you blow up a satellite? Will Clinton let you blow up Journey’s tour bus? Will Huckabee allow you to build a 3 story trebuchet and launch a car 100+ yards? Will McCain allow you to fire a missile that probably cost more than you will make in your lifetime at a target 150 miles above the earth’s surface?
Come on people, you know the answer. And you know that my plan will balance the budget. You only need to look to box office receipts for the last 40 years to back me up on this. In addition, my plan will solve all those other “issues” the other candidates are squawking about: the economy, the war, health care, etc. With no debt and a balanced budget, we can tackle all of those problems with ease.
So, consider me for your next President. It’s a vote for fiscal responsibility. It’s a vote for smaller government and fewer satellites. It’s a vote for blowing stuff up.
Carry on, Citizens!
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