This is the lead paragraph from an article on Yahoo News tonight:

LOS ANGELES – Nicole Kidman is pregnant, her publicist confirmed Monday. The 40-year-old actress and her husband country singer Keith Urban “are expecting a baby,” publicist Catherine Olim said in a brief statement. “The couple are thrilled,” Olim said. (Source AP)

I am glad the publicist cleared that up. I was worried about what they were expecting. I’m sure Nicole and Keith were too. “It was touch and go there, for a while. We weren’t sure if it was going to be an armadillo or Don Cheadle. My wife and I are thrilled to be having a baby instead,” said Urban.

If Olim loses her job as a publicist, she has a great future in sports broadcasting. John Madden has made a career out of shouting the obvious to millions of football fans each Sunday. “What the Quarterback needs to do is complete more passes. If he completes a pass in the endzone, it will be a touchdown. After the touchdown, his team will try for an extra point.”

I long for the days when you can pick from a menu of sports broadcasters to call the game you want to see. Don’t want to listen to Brent Musberger latch onto one phrase and repeat it 37 times in one game? (That really happened, by the way.) Then tune into Jeff’s call of the Colts game.

You may be asking, why would Jeff be any more entertaining than the other knuckleheads who call professional sports. In a word: fiction. I would make stuff up. I would keep the game interesting by inserting random made up “facts” about the players, coaches, fans, and hot dog vendors. You would never know if a stat was real and that would make the game more interesting. Here’s a sample:

“Eli Manning drops back to pass. Manning, an experienced spelunker, looks over the middle and finds the tight end. That puts him over 25 completions for the game, which equals the number of dead U.S. Presidents he has carved out of driftwood during team flights. It will be third down and about a yard. Speaking of third, he and his wife are expecting their third child. Or Don Cheadle.”

Now isn’t that better than, “To win, Atlanta is going to have to score more points than the Rams?”

Carry on, Citizens!