Continuing with our look back on the year ahead…

We closed yesterday’s post with June. The year is half over. It was a pretty interesting 5 months (No February, remember), but the next 6 were outrageous.

July

• Shortly after the All Star game (American League 7, National League 3) the Mitchel commission decides they are tired of investigating baseball players on steroids. They announce that they will be looking into the ongoing rumors that several prominent American authors (as well as some of the hacks) have been using Alphabet Soup for some time. A disgruntled former editor from Random House is reported to have inside info that will shake publishing to its core. The use of Alphabet Soup (although not illegal during the 90′s) is widely regarded with the same type of stigma reserved for steroids in baseball.
• Hillary Clinton and Gene Simmons choose their running mates. Saddled with mounting debt stemming from the debate fiasco, Clinton is forced to choose Gore as her running mate. Not Al Gore of course, he had been dead since February. But the campaign needed to recycle all the Clinton/Gore campaign swag in order to save money. Her campaign suggested Tiper Gore, but Hillary had hated her since 1997. Insiders say it had something to do with the two wearing the same pant suit to a state dinner with the former Prime Minister of Myanmar. The only other famous Gore available is 49ers running back Frank Gore. After weighing the possibility of making the playoffs vs. winning the election, Gore agrees to join the campaign.
• Gene Simmons stuns the nation by announcing Jerry Seinfeld as his running mate. Larry King, Chris Mathews, Bill O’Reilly, Katie Couric, and nearly every other national news host wet themselves at almost the same moment realizing that the country will have either the first white female President/black VP combo or the country’s first all Jewish White House. The angle is analyzed to death over the next 5 months, causing the few 100 thousand people that still watch the national news to tune out altogether.

August

• Americans turn away from the election to the brewing literary scandal. The Mitchel Commission announces that they will conclude their investigation by October and name names. Rumors begin to leak about John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, and James Patterson. Oprah is called as the first witness, but all of the testimony is held behind closed doors.
• Pac Man Jones returns from his all inclusive trip to the Cayman Islands (as reward for Michael Moore) and announces that he is willing to shoot someone for the public good. The Federal Government thanks him for his dedication to civic duty, but sends him to Titans training camp. He is told to remain ready to go at a moment’s notice.
• The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox have more wins than the entire National League combined. Commissioner Bud Selig declares that if the trend continues, he will cancel the playoffs and hold the World Series with the Yankees and Sox. Rumors abound that a Padres fan has enlisted the services of Pac Man Jones.

September

• John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, and other authors refuse to testify before the Mitchell Commission. One Hoosier author BEGS to be interviewed as he regards any publicity as good. Senator Mitchell is quoted as saying, “Jeff who?”
• With the pennant races running down and the National League looking miserable, MLB commissioner Bud Selig decides to announce his Yankees vs. Red Sox World Series. Before reaching the podium, he is shot by Pac Man Jones.
• NBC announces that the entire late 80′s/early 90′s cast is returning to Saturday Night Live. This includes Phil Hartman, who Lorne Michaels had frozen after his untimely demise. Doctors are able to revive him in order to bring back such endearing characters as Caveman Lawyer and Frank Sinatra.
• Not to be outdone, ABC announces they are bringing back the original cast of the Love Boat. Sadly, Ed Begley Jr, fearing a St. Elsewhere reunion, hires Pac Man Jones to kill the rest of the cast. Pac Man realizes it was just be easier to shoot Begley. Jones is not charged for the murder.

October

• The earth still doesn’t crash into the sun. But, the fudge does hit the fan.
• Given new life after the Selig assassination, the San Diego Padres sweep the NLCS and then go on to beat the Yankees in 6 games, winning their first World Series.
• The Mitchell Commission releases it’s report. Grisham and Evanovich are named, along with all of Oprah’s book club authors. The scandal rocks the book world, with citizens throwing Campbell Soup cans through the windows of Borders and Barnes & Noble. Grisham releases a statement that he only used Alphabet Soup during the writing of the Rainmaker and it was only because he was really struggling with the passive voice. Evanovich claimed that she only used Alphabet Soup during Eleven On Top and Twelve Sharp. She explained that by then she absolutely hated Stephanie Plum and it was the only way to fulfill her commitment to her publisher.
• In related news, both J.K. Rowling and Jeff Stanger were named, marking the only time in history their names will ever be used in the same sentence. Rowling used a similar substance that was ground into alphabet shaped sprinkles for her afternoon scones. Her only comment was, “You would juice too if you had to write 7 of those bricks.”
• Stanger’s editor announced she was leaving his service, inasmuch as she hadn’t found him funny since 2006 anyway and the Alphabet Soup scandal was too much of a black mark on her career. Stanger announced that his Alphabet Soup was from a bargain online store and didn’t contain any e’s, t’s, or w’s. His sales, he claimed, were proof that he had no competitive advantage.

November

• The Apprentice: Leader of the Free World Edition ends with Gene Simmons and Jerry Seinfeld winning in a landslide. The victory party is held at the Playboy mansion and KISS performs in full make up.
• Pac Man Jones is sent to the Middle East to kill Osama Bin Laden.
• Distraught over losing his editor and the shame of the Alphabet Soup scandal, Jeff Stanger grows Elvis sideburns and insists that everyone refer to him as “the King.”
• Alphabet Soup is banned from on the college and high school level. The greater Duluth Alliance of PTA’s successfully blocks the ban from elementary schools by successfully taking the case to the Supreme Court.

December

• Pac Man Jones actually finds and kills Osama Bin Laden.
• Gene Simmons chooses Ted Nugent as his Secretary of Defense.
• In an effort to salvage their careers, most of the authors named in the Mitchell Report join to raise money for literacy and fight Alphabet Soup abuse. The organization is poorly named and finds it hard to attract donors. Authors Against the Alphabet closes its doors before their 501 c3 nonprofit status is confirmed by the government.
• With his career spiraling down Jeff Stanger hosts a massive New Year’s Eve party to send off (or flip off) the year that was. Minutes before midnight, he realizes that the nose on the animatronic Rudolph in his front yard isn’t glowing. Stepping outside to fix the problem, he slips and falls, rendering him unconscious. While out, wind blows over the 20 foot Godzilla that is breathing fake fire on the fake north pole in his yard. Godzilla pins Jeff and hides him from the party guests. By the time the clock strikes midnight, Jeff is nearly frozen.

We hope you enjoyed our roundup of the events of 2008. Be sure to read our recap of 2009 to find out if Jeff survives being pinned by Godzilla in 20 degree weather.

Carry on, Citizens!