No, that’s not a typo. I thought about writing a 2007 Year in Review column, but I realized I was a little late. So, I decided to make a New Year’s resolution: be the first to do a 2008 Year in Review. Then, it occurred to me that the only way for me to be absolutely certain that I was first (and so I wouldn’t forget), I decided to write my Year in Review 361 days early. Granted, that means I’m going to have to “fill in the blanks” so to speak, but that’s the price one pays to be first. Here is a look back on 2008.

January-

• The Earth does not crash into the sun.
• After poor voter turnout in the early primaries, NBC announces that the candidates will participate in The Apprentice: Leader of the Free World Edition. Celebrity candidates are included to make the show more interesting. Gene Simmons, Brittany Spears, Screech, Tony Danza, Clara Peller, and Omarosa are added to the cast.
• Isaiah Thomas trades 2 players for a cardboard cutout of himself during his playing days in Detroit. Knicks owner Jim Dolan praises the move as the smartest decision since the Bulls drafted Michael Jordan. Unfortunately, Knicks fans disagree and burn Madison Square Garden to the ground. The Knicks play the rest of their home games on the campus of Manhattan College. Only students who can show no apparent understanding of the game are allowed to attend.
• Al Gore announces that February contributes more carbon to the atmosphere than any other month. On the strength of his Nobel Prize, he convinces Congress to ban February. On January 31, Gore is shot outside his home in Tennessee. Though his wounds are fatal, he continues to be on the cover of Time in six week intervals.

March

• After Al Gore’s assassination and the uproar from voters whose birthdays fall in February, Congress reluctantly overturns the Anti-February law.
• The Colts won the first ever March Super Bowl.
• St. Patrick’s Day is combined with Valentine’s Day since 2008 didn’t have a February. Hallmark loses a fortune on their Green Beer and Red Roses marketing campaign.
• Indiana University wins the Big Ten.
• Nancy Pelosi calls for an investigation into the murder of Al Gore. Top suspects include the NFL, florists, and the tourism bureaus of every city that hosts baseball spring training.
• Omarosa is fired on the first episode of Leader of the Free World Apprentice. Donald Trump can’t tolerate having an Obama and Omarosa in the same board room. Omarosa files a name discrimination suit against the show. In a settlement, they agree to make her Ambassador to Finland.

April

• Indiana wins the National Championship in Men’s Basketball. Eric Gordon scores 56 points to lead the Hoosiers over the College of Manhattan.
• NFL President Roger Goodell confesses to having ordered Pacman Jones to assassinate Al Gore. He is immediately pardoned by President Bush and February 15th is declared Thanks, Roger Day by Victoria’s Secret, the American Florists Association, the Chocolate Manufacturers of America, and PETA.
• April 15 brings about the most 4 letter words ever uttered in a 24 hour period in the history of mankind.
• Baseball season starts. The A’s announce that season ticket holders will be given the option of purchasing seats that don’t actually face the field. They sell out. Copycat programs are instituted in Tampa and Kansas City.

May

• Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, Gene Simmons, and Brittany Spears emerge as the final 4 candidates on Leader of the Free World Apprentice. Viewers who thought Spears was only on the show for ratings begin fearing that she may actually win after a 60 Minutes report that she has 100% of the hard-to-win skank, trailer trash, and chemically unbalanced vote.
• Michael Moore releases a documentary on the horse racing industry, exposing the fact that jockeys are in fact shorter than the average American. He squarely places the blame (and rightly so) on the government, guns, global warming, and cotton candy. Shortly after the film’s release, he is shot by Pac Man Jones.
• By May 15, the A’s, Orioles, Marlins, and Devil Rays are mathematically eliminated from the pennant race in baseball.

June

• Isaiah Thomas announces that Madison Square Garden will be rebuilt. Celebrity designer Michael Graves is brought in to give the project flair. Early design concepts look strikingly similar to a bidet.
• Brittany Spears disappears mysteriously. The story gets less press coverage than a Jeff Stanger book release, as nobody wants her to turn up until after the election.
• Gene Simmons and Hillary Clinton become the final two candidates for President. Donald Trump orders them to debate in Kiss costumes. Gene, of course, comes as himself. Hillary’s campaign chairman suggests she go as Ace. Against advice, she debates as Peter Criss. Letterman and Leno have agreed to stop milking the “cat” jokes in the fall of 2012.
• 7 Dead Flamingos is released and immediately tops the New York Times Best Seller List. The author blows the money on a collection of rare Pez dispensers and an inflatable Godzilla that is 2o feet tall.

Check back Saturday for Part 2!

Carry on, Citizens!