Indianapolis- Whew! I’m not the father. The tests just came back and I can say unequivocally that I am NOT the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child. Not that I had any doubt, but let’s face it: EVERY MALE IN NORTH AMERICA IS A SUSPECT. It seems every day another guy claims to be the father of the Billion Dollar Bonus Baby spawned by Anna Narcissist Smith only months before her untimely demise. Who can blame them? The kid is worth more than the combined net worth of all the men who supposedly claim to be the father and China. There’s gold in those diapers… along with some brown but you can pay the nanny to separate the two.

Statistically speaking, I’m surprised Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Clinton, and Michael Jackson haven’t claimed to be the father. Wilt claims to have slept with most of the women in North America, Bill’s into fat chicks, and Michael is flat broke.

Of course, most current and former NBA players are confused by this story. NBA bust and current night watchman at USA Skate in Indianapolis Shawn Kemp said, “Why would anyone ever admit to fathering a child? I’ve had 14 kids by 9 different women and I made each one of the Ho’s prove it in court.”

Anyway, I’m not the father and I’m quite glad. This child had Anna’s DNA. She’ll need every penny for the years of therapy ahead.

Carry on, Citizens!