Florida Governor Jeb Bush has declared a State of Emergency and has called for his brother to send troops. The appeal is in response to the anticipated violence from Atheists angry at Office Depot. The Delray Beach, Florida based company and paper maker Hammermill have been accused of mocking the nonexistent atheist nondiety on its 24 lb., 96 Brightness, 3-Hole punched Laser Print Paper.Atheists have long suspected that U.S. paper companies were secretly blaspheming their non god in copy paper and other stationary products. Most Americans remember the famous Duluth riots of 1997, when angry atheists claimed that non watermarked paper products were mocking their perception of a void afterlife. Over 40 people were stapled at a Staples in the worst atheist violence seen on U.S. soil.

In 2003, violence erupted in Parsippany, New Jersey after atheists were accidently sent a completely blank vinyl banner from a local Kinkos. Four employees were 3-Hole punched repeatedly until the police restored calm.

President Bush is taking this new threat very seriously. “Hammermill has taken a stance that is perfectly within their rights as Americans. If they want to sell blank 3-Hole punch paper, then who are atheists to bully them? We plan to surround Office Depot headquarters with as much military protection as possible.”

In a related turn of events, French President Jaques Chirac outlawed blank paper throughout France. He also commissioned Tommy Hilfiger to design a new flag of surrender inasmuch as their current one is completely white.

Carry on, Citizens!