Welcome to my official Super Bowl XL blog. It’s 1 louder than my Super Bowl XXXIX blog. Now, I know you could have gone to any Super Bowl blog, but you chose to come here. That’s why I’ve gone the extra mile for you. You’re not going to get the usual analysis ad nauseam about the game from this blog. That would cause me to actually prepare and look up stats and analyze film etc. and that would really cut in to my Presidential campaigning time. Besides, do you really care which team through for more yards or converted more third downs? I didn’t think so. That’s why I give you:

RANDOM STUFF ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL THAT IS (HOPEFULLY) FUNNIER THAN THE STUFF YOU GET AT OTHER SUPER BOWL BLOGS.
(Due to the length of the previous headline, people have been fired.)

The Quotes
The Super Bowl brings out the idiot in many people -none so much as players and reporters. Here is a list of questions from previous Super Bowl press conferences:

Titans DT Joe Salave’a was asked, “What’s your relationship with the football?” He responded with, “I’d say it’s strictly platonic.”

Joe Montana was asked this question before playing the Bengals in Super Bowl XXIII: “So why do they call you Boomer?”

My favorite has to be the question asked of former Cowboy Emmitt Smit: “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

The Rings
After winning the Super Bowl, players receive championship rings. Of course, the once classy memento of a World Championship has now become all about the bling. Check out the first Super Bowl Ring here, and compare it to Super Bowl XXIX or XXXVIII. Who is designing these things, Flavor Flav?

The Coin Toss
The Coin Toss was handled by the referees (as God intended) until Super Bowl XII. Somebody got the bright idea to bring an aging Red Grange on to the field to do the honors. Unfortunately, nobody (including Red) realized that he dropped his false teeth on the 40 yard line. This lead to a bizarre injury to Dallas running back Tony Dorsett in the first quarter. Tony overcame the injury to run for 66yards and a touchdown, but he still has a fake tooth lodged in his left shin.

Entertainment
The entertainment before the game and at half time has evolved over the years. The first year featured the marching bands of the University of Arizona and University of Michigan. Both bands performed the anthem and at halftime. Now we have elaborate light shows, multiple performers, and (thanks to Janet Jackson) porn.

Super Bowl XXIV featured the freakish combination of figure skating and football. Somebody thought that a large male audience that had consumed large quantities of barley pop would warm up to the idea of watching Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill. They were wrong. The next year they came back with Michael Jackson and 3,500 local children. Surprisingly, the parents of only 100 have since filed charges against him. Two years later the halftime show was titled “Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.” Needless to say, the persons responsible are being used as tackling dummies in Green Bay.

Super Bowl XXXI saw a return of entertainers who would later be indicted with the appearance of James Brown the Godfather of Soul.

Super Bowl XXVI brought the addition of sign language added to the National Anthem. Although it is a nice gesture for hearing impaired viewers, the practice does have its drawbacks. During Super Bowl XXXV, members of Ray Lewis’ entourage mistook the signer’s rendition of the National Anthem for gang smack. They fired 3 shots at her, one piercing her hand. The damage was not fatal, but her hand is permanently stuck in the sign for “ramparts.”

Organizers took it a step further when they had the sign language performer also do the halftime show. This proved to be a really bad idea because the entertainment included P Diddy, Kid Rock and Nelly. Unable to keep up with the speed of the hip hop/rap lyrics, the ASL representative just stood in front of the stage with her middle finger raised to the crowd. Although hearing impaired viewers though she captured the basic message of the performers, the Super Bowl folks decided this wasn’t something they should do again.

That also happened to be the night that Janet Jackson decided to stage the infamous “wardrobe malfunction.” For those of you who missed it, at the end of her show Justin Timberlake pulled off a portion of her costume to reveal her breast. Her publicist, MTV, and everyone else looking to avoid an FCC fine called it a “wardrobe malfunction.” Most people think that the term wardrobe malfunction was first coined by Janet Jackson’s publicist. Actually, it was first used by Liberace to describe going onstage with an outfit that contained less than 4,000 sequins.

Anyway, Janet’s flop (pun intended) made way for the British invasion. The Rolling Stones will perform this year and last year we had Paul McCartney. Next year, they’re thinking of having the surviving member of the Sex Pistols and The Clash perform. They plan do play some of their hits and do a tribute to Liberace and Janet. It’s called Broke Clasp Mountain. Should be interesting…

Carry on, Citizens!