President’s Day? We used to celebrate a holiday for Washington and Lincoln. But someone at the Bureau Of Days Off decided we were making too big a fuss over them and decided to create “President’s Day.” The upside of this is now you can choose to celebrate the administration of anyone you choose.

Today, I’m celebrating the accomplishments of William Howard Taft, pound for pound the largest American President. Taft was so big, he used a bath tub that would fit four normal sized men. As far as I can tell, that was about the highlight of his career.

If you’re still trying to decide which President to honor today, here’s a list of possibilities that are more fun than the usual guys (Washington, Lincoln, and Martin Sheen).

Millard Filmore: When the White House cook couldn’t figure out how to use the new stove, Filmore went to the U.S. Patent Office to read the instructions. In 1856, he accepted the nomination of the Know Nothing Party. Ironically, today we have two of those.

John Tyler: He was playing marbles when he found out he had become President. (Really, look it up.) He holds the record for fathering the most children by a President (15).

William Henry Harrison: He is the only President whose inauguration speech lasted longer than his presidency. His speech was the longest in history and his time in office was the shortest.

James Madison: His last words have been repeated on college campuses by guys ever since, “I always talk better lying down.” He once proposed that we rent Portugal’s navy.

Herbert Hoover: Hoover had the only non white Vice President in history. (Charles Curtis was Kaw Indian.) Let his son’s 2 pet alligators rome the White House. The Hoover insisted that servents in the White House be invisible.

Richard Milhous Nixon: Had the balls to tell people his middle name was Milhous. That alone should have earned him a pardon. He financed his first congressional run from poker winnings. (Really)

William McKinley: Teddy Roosevelt once called him a “White-livered cur.” Why don’t we talk like that anymore?

So, pick a President and celebrate today. And if someone doesn’t like your choice in presidents, call them a white-livered cur. Whatever that is…

Carry on, Citizens!