BAYTOWN, TX: The AP reported today that Exxon/Mobile gave its employees fake flu shots last week. The company has brought in fake counselors to deal with the real trauma that comes from being injected with a fake vaccine. “We saw no point in bringing in real counselors since the shots were fake,” said Exxon spokesman Mark Vader. “So, we hired out-of-work actors, mostly from canceled sit-coms like Blossom to offer support and advice.”

The FDA is currently running tests on the substance to determine its origin. Early indications are a substance described as soylent green. “We don’t know what it is,” said one FDA official, “but it’s good on toast.”

JAFFNA, SRI LANKA: The Tamil Tigers (NFC East) are looking for a new anthem –something to capture the essence of being dirt bag rebels in what is basically a crap factory for American retailers disguised as a country. The rebels have their own schools, flag and even their own law school! Now they need a new anthem. Something that says, “Hey, we’re Tamils. Our kids sew Reebok soccer balls faster than Sri Lankans.”

Personally, I like the old Tamil anthem. It was the kind of anthem that gets right to the point…literally. It’s called, “Look, the Flag is Rising.” I love that!! I don’t speak Tamil or Sri Lankan or Haiku, but here’s how I imagine the words of song go: (To the tune of Vacation by the Go-Go’s. “Look, our flag is rising. Stand quietly till the song is over. Take your hat off and be respectful, stop looking at the girl in the third row’s butt. Is that a goiter on her mom? Now the song is getting louder and more exciting. The game starts in 5 minutes, is that enough time to get some beer? Do we still have beer in Tamil? Why does the guy behind me smell like a water buffalo? Oh, he brought his water buffalo to the soccer match. Must be a Sri Lankan and not a Tamil. Okay the song is almost over, I can sit down now. I feel pride for my country. Yeah!”

Carry on, Citizens!