NEWS OR SOMETHING LIKE IT—Real headlines coupled with real sarcasm.

MAN WITH CHAINSAW, SWORD LET INTO U.S.

Apparently this guy had just beheaded a man described as “the Chet Atkins of Minto” and stabbed “the Mrs. Chet Atkins of Minto” repeatedly until she expired. He entered the U.S. covered in blood. Customs officials couldn’t find a reason to detain the man, so they let him go. He was picked up in Massachusetts after the bodies were discovered in New Brunswick. Personally, I’m glad they let him go. We can’t detain every blood soaked Canadian that wields a chainsaw. That would be profiling.

CRUISE MAKES ‘MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3′ DEAL

In this installment of the Mission: Impossible franchise, Cruise will try to go on a series of daytime talk shows and try desperately not to sound like a total chode while talking about his recent romance with Katie Holmes.

DOLPHINS PROTECT THEIR SNOUTS WITH SPONGES

Apparently Dolphins off the coast of Australia have learned to use sponges to prevent stings from stonefish and other foraging hazards. Spongebob Squarepants has repeatedly said this is the reason he refused to attend the opening of his movie in Australia. “There’s nothing worse than having a dolphin shove his snout up your *&$ then use you as a fish hunting sock puppet,” said the Nickelodeon star sponge.

UNEMPLOYED BRITISH TEENS OFFERED IPODS

Out of work Brit’s are being offered IPods if they complete courses aimed at helping them find jobs. As a further motivating gesture, the IPods have been equipped with helpful phrases instead of music. Examples include:
“Would you like fries with that?”
“Thank you, please drive through?”
And the ever popular, “Paper or plastic?”

MAN’S LEG, TORSO FALL OUT OF PLANE OVER NY

Baggage handlers are reportedly to blame for the mix up that caused the rest of the man to fall out of a different plane over Arkansas.

Carry on, Citizens!