BREAKING NEWS: STEROID SCANDAL IS MORE WIDESPREAD THAN EXPECTED

JEFFREAUX’S WORLD EXCLUSIVE: THE MASCOTS ARE JUICED!!!

That’s right folks, you heard it hear first. Our blog correspondents, Jose Canseco and Paris Hilton have been on the case for the past few months. They’ve been talking to former and current mascots as well as PETA.

Today we have a report from Jose:

Jose: Well, jeffreaux, between book signings and court appearances, I’ve been interviewing mascots to see how steroids have impacted costumed entertainers. The results are shocking.

Jeffreaux: Why did you choose to focus on mascots?

Jose: They’re the only people in baseball that will still talk to me.

Jeffeaux: Go on.

Jose: Well it seems it started with Stomper, the Oakland A’s elephant mascot. He felt envious of the tough, muscular elephant on the A’s jersey. He was also coming off a devastating break up with the University of California-Berkley’s Bear mascot. His lack of self esteem caused him to turn to the juice.

Jeffreaux: How did that improve his stats after taking steroids?

Jose: The performance enhancement is undeniable, Jeffreaux. His poses for pictures with small children went up 40%. He was able to throw t-shirts to the upper deck without the help of the giant sling-shot. He even delivered 30 pizzas to fans in one game.

Jeffreaux: Were there any side effects?

Jose: Yes, there were. Mascots aren’t immune to the Roid Rage. He once bludgeoned a fan with his trunk repeatedly for putting gum on his jersey.

Jeffreaux: Was the fan injured?

Jose: No, the trunk is just fur and foam. So, he barely felt it.

Jeffreaux: What about shrinkage? Roids have been known to shrink parts of the male anatomy.

Jose: Actually it affects mascots differently. Stomper’s ears shrank to the size of a human’s ears. He looks pretty ridiculous.

Jeffreaux: What else have you uncovered?

Jose: Well I think it’s pretty obvious that the Baltimore Bird, the Pittsburg Parrot, and Seattle’s Moose are juiced. But this is an ongoing investigation and we expect to uncover more.

Jeffreaux: Thank you Jose. On Wednesday, Paris will weigh in on steroids in movies and music. Were Jimmy Page and Robert Plant on steroids when they wrote Stairway to Heaven. And it makes me wonder… find out more tomorrow.

Carry on, Citizens!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 26th, 2005 at 12:46 pm and is filed under General, Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.