The Jailblazers are Great Guys
Break them up. Fold the team. Eradicate the franchise. It’s time to end the recurring train wreck that is the Portland Trailblazers, or more to the point: The Jailblazers. In the mid 90’s, Sports Illustrated sat in judgment over the Miami University football program and practically demanded the school president eliminate the program. Sure, Miami was a mess. But not any worse than many other programs in college football at the time. But the point is that all the reasons SI cited for ending Miami football are evident in Portland –only much worse!
This past week they fired the only man that could lead them to respectability. Maurice Cheeks, reportedly one of the nicest men in the NBA, just didn’t fit in to the drug, rape, and violence culture that billionaire Paul Allen has worked so hard to preserve. It seems that the perfect antidote to his nerd years at Microsoft is donning the hat of Zoo Keeper. I guess Allen and his front office staff didn’t like the fact that last year Cheeks went over to help a 13 year old girl who was singing the National Anthem and forgot the words. They prefer the behavior of Marcus Brown, a former Jailblazer who was cited for giving alcohol to 13 year old girls.
Oh, it gets much worse. Consider the fact that current player Qyntel Woods was arrested for dog fighting. DOG FIGHTING! I wish I was kidding! One player, making $25 million per year was hauled into court for writing bad checks. Former Jailblazer Zach Randolph had numerous run-ins with the law. Most memorable was the time he showed his trading card to an officer because he was driving without a license or insurance.
The iceberg goes much, much deeper. Remember Ruben Patterson. He pleaded no contest to sexually assaulting his child’s nanny. After the trial he said, “I’m not no(sic) rapist. I’m a great guy.” The great guy assaulted a man whom he thought had scratched his car in a parking lot, breaking his jaw. The great guy also beat up the wife who stood by him during his sexual assault trial. Portland sports reporters must have thought it was a team meeting at the courthouse that day because his appearance in court coincided with the appearances of his teammates Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire who were just down the hall answering marijuana possession charges. Of course so many of the Jailblazers have been busted for pot that local DEA officials are considering sending an undercover agent to try out for the team!
Check out www.Jailblazers.info for more of the teams exploits. The list is so long that when Law & Order: Portland Jailblazers Unit comes out next fall, they’ve announced they have plots for an indefinite amount of shows!
So please Mr. Stern, eliminate the Jailblazers. End this sad chapter of American professional sports once and for all. Do it so the kids can look towards positive roll models. (Especially the 7 kids by 6 mothers former Jailblazer Shawn Kemp has fathered.) Do it so the vice cops in Portland can take a well deserved rest. Do it so the team doesn’t have to permanently switch to eight digit jersey numbers. And do it for Ruben, because he’s a “great guy.”
March 7th, 2005 at 4:52 pm
What is so amazing to me about Portland is that SO MANY of the worst problems *while there* have been only “average jerks” elsewhere. I.E. (or is it “e.g.”) guys that seemed incapable of playing without fighting their entire stay in Portland have had FAR fewer incidents once they’ve moved on. This works in reverse for the guys who seemed ok before getting to Portland have turned into wrecks once there. I can think of two reasons: 1) EVERY other team knows how to hide these problems and Portland doesn’t 2) Portland has more of these problems and it hasn’t been solved with 100 different guys on the roster and 3 different head coaches (how does the city trade the owner?).
March 7th, 2005 at 10:57 pm
Instead of signing players that have to be instructed on how to be bad, may the Trailblazers should borrow a page from Jerry Tarkanian’s methodology and send their scouts to jails and prisons for players.