There are many reasons I couldn?t blog the last couple of weeks. Here?s the story we?re going with:

For the last 14 days, I was held captive by a band of radical Inuit?s bent on taking control of Alaska. Their ultimate goal is to break from the United States and declare Alaska a sovereign nation. They are training herds of moose to spy on our government. Moose agents have been detected as far south as Portland, Oregon. They are also training other animals including otters, beavers, sperm whales, and certain members of the mollusk family.

You may be shocked to know that they wish to build a bridge over the Bering Strait. Theoretically, you could drive to Siberia. But why would you want to? – ?Gee honey, it?s not cold and bleak enough in Alaska. Let?s drive to Siberia.?

Anyway, the Inuit?s mistakenly kidnapped me. Apparently they thought I was a high level member of the Army. They contacted the Pentagon and demanded 10 million dollars for my safe return. The Pentagon put them on hold. The Inuit?s, not being savvy kidnappers, held. Seven hours later, the Inuit on hold dropped the phone because his arm had gone to sleep. This went on for several days until they finally allowed me to speak. It was at this time that I informed them that I, in fact, work for The Salvation Army. Confused, they called the Pentagon back and asked for The Salvation Army?s extension. They held for another couple of days until they allowed me to speak again. Then I explained what The Salvation Army was and that the chances of them coughing up 10 million were very slim.

After a heated debate in Inuitish, they decided to let me go. I wished them well on their endeavor. Personally, I think we could do without a few states anyway. Since I didn?t turn them in, they gave me my own spy moose. He?s on his way to your house now.