Let’s Just Keep Everybody Out of the Bathroom

Let’s Just Keep Everybody Out of the Bathroom

Americans are fighting with each other again. This time, it’s over bathrooms. Some people want transgender persons to use any bathroom they want. Some people want them to go to the bathroom that matches their current set of tools.

I say, keep everyone out of the bathroom. Gay, straight, transgender, hockey fans, and people who watch The View. All of them out. I don’t want to go to the bathroom with anybody. America needs single serve bathrooms. I base this on years of going to the bathroom and being disturbed by the following:

Someone Should Invent A Jolly Fat Man To Take Over Christmas.

Someone Should Invent A Jolly Fat Man To Take Over Christmas.

Okay, I’m done with Christmas shopping. I don’t mean I’m done, there are some of you on the Nice list for whom I have yet to purchase something you can unwrap and subsequently hide in a closet. I’m just done going to stores. I’m officially moving 100% of this operation online. I do most of it that way anyway, but my few ventures out have been filled with uncomfortable encounters with that horde of miscreants know as the general public.

There are too many of them out there and they are all up in my business. Now, when I say up in my business, I really mean UP IN MY BUSINESS. Last night a 10-year-old girl nearly rammed a box up my arse as I waited in line in Target to pay for things that quite frankly some of you don’t deserve. She was talking with her dad and not paying attention and was carrying it in front of her. The box corner was at the right (or wrong from my viewpoint) height for it to hit my right between the cheeks. Her father was oblivious.

Today, as we checked out at Dick’s, a lady started reaching around me to pile stuff on the counter. We had just started to check out ourselves. My wife laughed when I told her that if I had been in this woman’s personal space as much she was in mine, I would have been accused of sexual harassment.

But what I’ve experienced is nothing. Go to YouTube and search Black Friday fights. My favorite is the woman who refuses to loosen her death grip on the flat screen TV while she is being cuffed by the police!

So, I’m proposing a new way to do Christmas. Let’s eliminate shopping altogether. Let’s all send our Christmas lists to I don’t know… some arbiter of good and bad that can doll out our gifts based on merit. An organization that owns a global distribution network like Amazon that could process those gifts, wrap them, deliver them via reindeer looking drones. Maybe this company can select a mascot to head the marketing of such an effort. Someone fat and jolly owns a lot of red. A wise looking man with a silver beard?

I’m a fat man, but not jolly. That leaves me out. Besides, I can’t grow a decent looking beard. But maybe Jeff Bezos can play Santa Clause and save all of us the indignity of being probed in the Target checkout line.

Carry on, Citizens!

Santa

Pumpkin Pie, Thaddeus Green, and the Origin of the Kiddie Table

Pumpkin Pie, Thaddeus Green, and the Origin of the Kiddie Table

2112894143_288eae1a3fYou’re probably going to be offended by this (Especially if you are a pumpkin pie fan). But the truth must be shared to the masses. And that truth is this: pumpkin pie was a compromise. Pumpkin pie made it into our Thanksgiving tradition only as a measure of last resort. It’s not what was meant to be.

“You had one job to do!”

It all began at the first Thanksgiving. Thaddeus Green and his family will not show up on any list of the Mayflower passengers in any history book or a museum. There is a reason for that. Thaddeus was the most hated man in the New World. You see it was Green’s singular task to make sure the boat had chocolate on it. Instead, the night before the Puritans sailed to the New World and said goodbye to the sin and debauchery of merry Old England, Green decided to have one last evening of sin and debauchery. Green was much more committed to the sin and debauchery than the loading of the chocolate.

“There is no pumpkin recipe that wasn’t born out of a want for chocolate.”

So, when the Pilgrims got to Plymouth and unloaded, there was no chocolate. No chocolate for pie, for cake, for smores, and cookies. The Pilgrims were devastated. So, when Thanksgiving rolled around, they had to improvise. And that’s how we got pumpkin pie. They also decided to use pumpkin as a compromise with other things like pumpkin bread for chocolate cake, pumpkin spice latte for hot chocolate, etc. There is no pumpkin recipe that wasn’t born out of a want for chocolate.

The Pilgrims were so mad at Green and his family, they wouldn’t let them sit at the large banquet table for that first Thanksgiving. Instead, they had to sit at a small table that was half as high as the rest. When the Native American Chief inquired about the strange family that was being shamed at the small table, William Bradford replied, “They are the reason we only have pumpkin pie for desert.”

The Chief pondered this for a moment, called for his bow, and fired an arrow through the heart of Green. The Chief really had his heart set on chocolate pie. The Pilgrims cheered the death of Green but immediately sent a boat back to England to get chocolate before the next Thanksgiving. That boat sank and Native/Pilgrim relations were never the same.

So, when you reach for the pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving, remember it was a compromise. It is a lesser pie. Be sure to offer a chocolate or pecan pie as an alternative. Or make sure none of your guests are packing a bow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Carry on, Citizens!

photo credit: pumpkin pie via photopin (license)

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