A few nights ago, we made a trip to Lowes. Or maybe it was Home Depot. It’s all a blur. We went to purchase a new lawnmower. Its predecessor had a broken axle and had to be put down. I wanted to shoot it, but apparently, that sort of thing is frowned upon in our community. I even called the police to confirm. They confirmed. Then they asked me a lot of questions. Finally, I asked them if the axle breaking could have been the result of foul play. They suggested I watch too many cop shows and referred me to a therapist.
The Future Karnies of America (sic) have announced they will descend on Washington this week to protest a full slate of grievances. According to Skeeter McGlaughlin, current FKA President, Spokesperson, and Tilt-a-Whirl Historian, the group will be protesting:
President Elect Donald Trump: “We can no longer contain our anger at Donald Trump for killing Carnie Apprentice. It was our idea first. We had a network deal in hand and he came in with his flashy big city suit and spectacular hair and swept NBC off their feet. We won’t forget. We can’t forget!”
Outgoing President Barack Obama: “He pardoned Chelsea Manning and Chelsea Manning helped Edward Snowden. Long before she hacked the government, she hacked the Carnies. She knows things. Carnie things. She must be stopped.”
Lena Dunham: “We’re pretty sure she did something.”
PETA: They killed the Circus. Wait, that helps us. Less competition next summer. But they bitch about our goldfish ball toss. We’ll get back to you on PETA.”
There you have it. The Carnies are angry. They will be out in force this week in Washington. You’ve been warned.
Carry on, Citizens!
Microsoft Office is updating on my computer right now. The dialogue screen says the time remaining is about a minute. It has said that for about 10 minutes now. So, I thought I would write an update on updates. It seems to be the theme today. My OS has needed an updated for a couple of weeks, so I updated it this morning. Then WordPress website told me my plugins needed security updates. Hackers are ever vigilant in their pursuit of my plugins.
I had to take my son’s car into the shop this morning because the system that is supposed to keep oil inside the vehicle’s engine needed an update. No matter how much foul language and cross-eyed threats I threw its way, it still refused to keep its oil to itself. So it’s being updated.
Now iTunes needs an update. iTunes is constantly updating in an effort to “enhance” my listening experience. Yet, they still can’t seem to find the artwork to half my Bodeans albums and they keep trying to sell me music by artists I don’t like. In all the time I’ve had iTunes, I’ve never purchased any Rap or Country music. Ever. For all iTunes’ updates, they still haven’t figured that out.
Our country is in the process of updating its President. Unfortunately, the two main parties have decided that Clinton 2.0 and Trump 1.WTF are the options we are going to have to choose from. Thank God we have Gary Johnson, the Linux of the Presidential candidates. And for once, political Linux is looking pretty damn good to a lot of people.
Now, my email spam folder is filled with all kinds of offers to update things. Just a quick scan of the subject lines tells my I can have my education updated (Get a 1 Year MBA!), my breasts can be updated (Find Breast Augmentation Here!) or my mortgage can be updated (7 New Reverse Mortgage Options!).
On second thought, I think that’s enough updating for one day.
Carry on, Citizens!